"You're a guy. Shouldn't just know what masculinity is?"
It made complete sense. As a guy, shouldn't I have some a priori access to masculinity? Wasn't I born with the instincts? Shouldn't grunting, scratching, picking, jerking off, and lumber-jacking all come naturally without a scholarly run to the Lakewood Public Library?
It seemed so, but as I've reflected on my past, I've come up with a bastardized geometric proof explaining why something so instinctual should seem so foreign to me. Here's the quick and dirty:
Part One: The Roots of My Hatred Towards Masculinity:
- I was a nerdly child. Awkward looking (skin discoloration and a gangly mass of limbs). Disliked sports. Often bullied
- Every bully seemed to me at the time to be the result of unchecked male aggression. To be masculine therefore, was to be a dick-weed bully
- I wanted nothing to do with bullies. Therefore, I wanted nothing to do with maleness
Part Two: Having Done Away With Masculinity, I Still Needed a Way to Get Girls To Like Me:
- I have been infatuated with one woman or another since grade one
- Unable to woo girls with masculinity, and feeling that my awkwardness would keep any woman from genuinely liking me, I needed something else
- I found that when I accentuated my sense of humor and my warm instincts, women would feel comfortable around me and want to be around me, though very rarely with any romantic inclinations
This lifestyle of being a charming, funny, non-threatening guy (apparently not so humble...) has led me to developing wonderful friendships. I've also very in touch and comfortable with my odder, more bizarre side. I grew up idolizing male figures that weren't very masculine, but still extremely intriguing. The genderless sexuality of David Bowie. The aggressive tenderness of Billy Corgan. The odd maneuverings of David Byrne. I loved these men because they were strong, interesting men who also seemed ambivalent to masculinity. This is why, in my humble opinion, The Beatles will always be better than the Rolling Stones.
This way of showing myself to the world, this comfort with myself, has also made a lot of people think I'm gay -- much like most of my idols. This has never been a source of shame in my life, but it does make dating women hard.
I was explaining to Sam, one my best friends, that a New Crush had recently told me she would rather be friends. I told Sam that the way I respond to these situations -- my method for actually becoming friends with my crushes -- is to ask them about who they are interested in. Some women find it extremely bizarre that you would want to talk to them about this, being that, you know, I just asked them out. But if I am going to be your friend, I am going to gossip with you about who you like. Fact.
To be perfectly honest, IT SUCKS HUGE FUCKING BONERS at first. I really don't want to talk to New Crush about who she would rather be with than me. I don't have an iron ego - I would without a doubt hate this other guy instinctively. But I know that over time, after repeatedly talking about their other crushes and my other crushes, it becomes less a shot to the ego and more like a talk with my sister. I want my friends to be happy. I want them to find love. And eventually, when my ex-crushes tell me they've found someone amazing, it genuinely makes me extremely fucking happy. This is currently the case with another one of my best friends, who just so happens to be an ex-crush.
What Sam told me then was one of the revelations that led up to this whole post. She said that talking to women about other guys they like, well, it isn't very masculine.
And she is 100% right on the money. There is a masculine instinct that I am shutting down for the sake of trying to be New Crush's friend. I am also shutting down any chance of a romantic relationship with New Crush. I don't really know whether this is a bad thing. If she really doesn't want to date me, then I am doing what I can to ensure we stay friends. If I like someone, I'm not going to stop hanging out with them because they don't want to suck my dick. It makes no sense why social beings would be so quick to disengage. People have so much to offer besides blow jobs. Seriously.
But facts are facts. In this instance and in numerous others, I am denying a part of myself. I am ashamed of a part of myself. A part of me still really hates anything masculine. And, you know, being a guy, I have a lot of masculine traits. I have always been proud of being so comfortable with the bizarre, funny, entertaining, non-masculine side of me - thinking I'm some how more evolved because of this - that I've been able to push down, repress, hate another big part of who I am.
This is what has led me to Hemingway quotes and wikipedia articles on the subject. I am trying to find a form of masculinity that I can be comfortable with. Masculinity, I'm finding, for the most part is a product of your environment. There's nothing innate about looking like the guys from the Jersey Shore (still relevant?) and it seems to me that the commercialized male persona is really just attractive to people who are insecure with their sexuality. If a man isn't 100% sure if he's straight or fears that his buddies will make fun of him for doing anything that might make him seem a little bit gay, he'll do and say and wear whatever he has to so that no one would ever mistake him for being gay. And that is some horrible shit right there. That is why Axe and Ed Hardy are in existence. Do you understand how horrible this is? [Side note: it would be really incredible if insecure straight guys and insecure, still-in-the-closet gay guys could get together and talk about how much being insecure about themselves sucks, and how they should both open up and be more accepting of who they are. However, in the world we live in today, it's usually the first insecure group harassing the second insecure group to the point of suicide]
I have been finding success in looking at figures from my life that I always thought embodied maleness and were comfortable in their maleness while still being a respectable human being (ie not treating people, especially women and nerdly boys, like shit). Think of Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird (and remember that this character was invented by a woman -- Harper Lee). In my own life, I have my brother Ethan and my Uncle Will. As I get older, my father more and more fits into this category. Even though he never exhibited any of the horrible male characteristics I've mentioned so far, a father is the ultimate masculine authority in every boys life. Because of this, and other unfortunate and unfair reasons that we both had a part in, I hated him for a long time. It's not something I'm proud of and I thank God-Buddah-Whoever that it's no longer the case.
As I've looked to these role models of masculinity, and thought about what it is about them that makes me respect them so much, I've discovered that it really has nothing to do with masculinity at all. They're all just good people who are comfortable with who they are. They have no shame in their maleness, but only because they don't allow their male instincts to get in the way of loving and respecting others. They don't need to disrespect women, the LGBT community, or fuck [with] others to feel in control, to feel needed, or to feel some purpose in life.
My masculinity isn't going to turn me into a bully. I need to recognize that. I need to be comfortable with that. I need to stop assuming women will want nothing to do with me if I'm not their pseudo-gay best friend. I need to stop assuming I'm unattractive to everyone. I don't need to be funny to be liked. As long as I stay honest to myself, keep treating others with respect, and never touch an Ed Hardy t-shirt so long as I live, I think I'll be okay.
