Here are a couple of songs I made up recently. As per usual, they were recorded straight to my laptop in an attempt to simply capture an idea.
The Powers That Be is a song about my frustration about wanting to do something important, but then listening to music instead.
In Any Way You Want is a song about my indifference to relationships as of right now. In particular, how it doesn't matter whether I end up as friends or more with the women I meet, as long as the ones I care about are in my life one way or another.
Last Friday I went to an interesting show at the Cleveland Public Theater. Seven productions-in-development put on 10-15 minute long segments of their shows and asked the audience for feedback. A friend of mine who is in the midst of developing her first solo piece performed, so I went to support.
I have a certain bias towards my friends, and a certain uber-critical eye towards everyone else, so naturally I thought her piece was the best and everyone else was kind of "meh." There were a couple I genuinely enjoyed and a few neato concepts, but I definitely didn't "woop" for anyone but my friend.
Though there was one I absolutely couldn't stand (a vapid look-at-how-quirky-millenials-are gagfest), I had a really good time. The crowd that night reminded me of the theater group I used to be a part of back in high school. A big group of weirdos who finally found other weirdos to do weirdo things with and not feel weird about it.
And of all the art crowds I've been a part of, the theater crowd is the least pretentious of the whole lot. I think it has to with the fact that it's not an art that can be done well alone. If you want to put on a good show, you need a ton of talented people. I've seen bands carried by one good artist, but the best script in the world is going to suck balls in any middle school production.
That night, I couldn't help but want to get back into that crowd. Everyone was so friendly and supportive of each other's work. I wrote a show in high school that I remember really being proud of, and given my vanity, I couldn't help but think I could write something better than most of what I had seen that night.
One of the things I love about this city is that if you have an idea, people will support you. The friend I went to see that night told me a few months ago at the Happy Dog about her idea for the show. How she was nervous no one would put it on, but needed to write it anyway. I remember being so proud of her when she told me a few weeks later that it was going to put on. I remember thinking, "howfucking neato is that!"
On Sunday, I went to a bonfire in Collinwood with a good friend of mine (the one going through boy dramz). It was at this gorgeous house on the lake. Nothing fancy, but the kind of house where you can tell the people living there are artists. Where all the cool pieces in the house look like they came from a flea market or estate sale, but without making the house feel antique-y.
The couple who lived there had two fucking ridiculous children. They were really great. The younger one had this infectious laugh, and everything to him was hilarious. Nothing was funnier to him than running into shit and falling down. The kid loved it. His older sister was probably the most polite child I'd ever met, and as such was a welcome balance to her zanier brother.
With guests, two large dogs, and little kids running around, the house was quite hectic. At the same time though, I understood why my Mom liked wine so much when I was a kid ("What's Franzia? Is it grape juice?" "It's Mom's juice. You can't have any").
The evening was wonderful. The weather was wonderful. The food was wonderful. I think I actually at one point stared off into the stars after we got the bonfire going and thought, "gee golly this is wonderful." I may have even said it out loud, who knows. I wouldn't put it past me.
And when that zany little fucker stopped laughing for two seconds to go "hey Dad! -- I love you!" I nearly lost it.
There is so much I want to do with my life. I want to write plays. I want to start another band. I want to settle down and have kids and bonfires and dogs. I want to be done with school and start a life. I want to go back to school and learn something new.
Anyone who tells me they know what they want out of life I swear hasn't seen all there is to see. Maybe I'm just jealous. No, I'm definitely jealous. I wish I knew what I wanted to do for the next forty years of my life. I wish I knew what I wanted to do fucking tomorrow.
If this weekend has taught me anything though, it's that all I really want to do is hang out with my friends. Is that so wrong?
When so many people struggle and stress out about gaining wealth and power and sex, is it so wrong to just want to have good friends?
You spent the first five years trying to get with the plan And the next five years trying to be with your friends again
This week has not been very friendly to two of my close female friends.
Boy drama, son. Boy drama.
It's always hard consoling someone going through such hard times because you know that no matter what you say, the next few days, weeks, and months are going to suck for this person. They are going to seriously, seriously suck.
The process of getting over someone, figuring out whether you can reform the relationship into a friendship, and actually getting to a point where you see the other as a friend or just as a memory from yesteryear is a process that takes time. It's a process that drags us across the floor, arms flailing, nails digging into the cement. It's a process that can make us better people or create walls to keep the love out.
Having gone through this process twice now, I've learned that you can either come out of it harder or you can come out of it with a fuller appreciation of life and the people around you. My goal whenever I lose someone is to get to a point where I can look back not in sadness, but with a warmth and appreciation that I had that person in my life for that period of my life. And life was pretty awesome when they were there.
And life is still pretty awesome today.
Below is a song I wrote about getting over a loved one around the time I was blossoming out of the end of my last relationship. I hope it helps.
